The Legendary ‘Lost’ Scene From ‘Famous For Retreating’

During the writing of Famous For Retreating, we had to learn the editor’s art of ruthlessness, by cutting material out of the script. One entire scene written by Ricky Temple, set immediately after the sequence in which Merlin teaches Aedric the ‘THUNDARA’ spell, ended up being removed altogether. It was quite a neat, entertaining scene (albeit it clearly needed a substantial redraft), but the feeling was that it was slowing the story down without really conveying any information that the THUNDARA scene itself hadn’t already told us i.e. that Aedric had started to feel that his time was being wasted while he tried to learn magic. (Just to make clear, Ricky also wrote the THUNDARA scene, parts of the scene in the Hall Of Folly, and parts of the Bartram/Salvania storyline in Stiletta’s story, so his work still most certainly got into the final release of the play.)

Now the text of the removed scene has been missing for years, but the happy news is that Ricky has recently uncovered it hidden away on his PC again, and has agreed to make it available for everyone to read. So here we go. (Apologies for the spelling/punctuation errors – Ricky’s spelling has improved enormously since the time it was written. We’ve fixed some of the errors, but some have gotten through.)

“(Lord Fear Voice over)

LF: So It went on, day in day out. The old fool trying to teach my the ways of Pure Magic. The only people I associated with were that half-wit jester Motley and his dippy girl friend Mellisandre.

Scene: A room in the dungeon.

Motley: How about this one? What do you get if you cross a pain in the neck and a Wall?

Melly: Hmmmm don’t know?

Aedric: Oh do shut up the pair of you. You told us this one yesterday Motley.

Motley: Oh really! Well then what’s the answer then smarty-pants?

Aedric: What do you get if you cross a Pain in the neck with a Wall? Answer, a Wall Monster. You need to get some better material or even better some NEW material.

Motley: Well Pardon me, for trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Melly: Oh now you two come on there’s no need to get into a fight.

Motley: Well old Addy, here, needs to lighten up and get a sense of humour.

Aedric: I have a sense of humour. Just I find nothing humorous about an unemployed and un-funny Jester.

Motley: I am not! I am The World’s Premier Comic entertainer (Does his little dance routine) and I am employed by the dungeon Master Sir Treguard as the dungeons resident Jester after my predecessor got lost in the lower levels.

Melly: Oh now come on you 2 we’re all friends here after all.

Motley: Huh tell that to old sourpuss.

Aedric: What did you call me?

Melly: Now stop it the pair of you, just stop it right now. Lets be friends and play a game, How about…. Hide and Seek, that’s a good game to play.

Motley: Are you sure Mellisandre, I mean you’re not very good at the hiding part. The seeker always smells you out, Smelly Melly.

Melly: Oooooow Motley. The Wall Monsters aren’t the only things in the dungeon that can be pains in the neck.

Voice: We Wall Monsters are NOT pains in the neck.

Motley: Oh Heck

Melly: oh dear.

(The three turn round to see a Face appears in the wall.)

Granitas: I am Granitas Of Legend. And I do not take Kindly to being called a Pain in the neck. Be gone from my Chamber or I feed on YOU.

Motley: Look mates, I’m sorry but I’m not standing round here to be a wall’s dinner I’m off BYE. (Runs Off)

Melly: Motley you cowardly Jester. Wait for me. (Runs Off)

Aedric: Now Look here you over grown pebble I am Aedric, Merlin’s protégée, and If you make one move towards me I’ll…I’ll… MERLINNNNNNNN. (Runs Off)

LF: That was basically my whole existence. What passed as lessons in magic by that old fool and being driven to the point of insanity by those two half wits.”

This scene has since been made into an audio vignette that can be downloaded from here.

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